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by Paul R. Hollrah, Lincoln Heritage Institute Senior Fellow
Dear Al:
I really feel bad that one of your neighbors, the Tennessee Center for Policy Research, has gone to all the trouble of digging up your old gas and electric bills. Why, the next thing you know they’ll be snooping around in your library, trying to find out where you got the silly notion that it’s possible for mankind to have a major impact on the Earth’s climate.
Anyway, what they tell us is that you and Tipper use as much energy in a month as the rest of us use in a whole year. Now, you’ll have to admit, that’s pretty outrageous. That puts real meaning to the old adage about “burning the midnight oil.” Have you and Tipper ever heard of “burning the candle at both ends?” You might want to give that a shot. Besides, it’s pretty tough to write silly books and to make silly documentaries when you’re in charge of a candle that’s burning at both ends.
But what really caught my eye was the cost of heating that pool house of yours. Most of us don’t have a pool house, but if we did we sure as hell wouldn’t spend $500 a month to keep it warm in winter. I think most of us would probably turn the heat down during the winter when nobody’s using the pool. I know that’s Republican thinking, but you might want to try it.
The reason I’m writing is to offer a little bit if help with your P.R. problem. I know, compared to Bill’s problem of having to explain the really bad-smelling cigars and the spots on Monica’s dress, your P.R. problem is small potatoes, but it represents a problem not just for you, but for all the people you have running around the country thinking that “the sky is falling!”
Unless you can one day prove that global warning is for real, those folks are going to be really embarrassed…and really mad.
Anyway, when some media guys called your office to ask about your gas and electric bills, your staff told them that you and Tipper purchase something called “offsets” to bring your “carbon footprint” down to zero. Now, I’m not entirely sure what a “carbon footprint” is but I think I have it figured out.
My wife and I went to see Lilly Tomlin’s performance last night at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center. But there was some guy sitting nearby who must have stopped off at a Mexican beanery before coming to the theater because, about halfway through Miss Tomlin’s performance, everyone sitting within twenty feet of the guy got a good whiff of his “carbon footprint” – if you know what I mean.
But your office explained that you don’t actually purchase your “offsets” in this country. You purchase them through a company in London called Generation Investment Management, a firm that you co-founded, which “provides carbon offsets as a fringe benefit” to all 23 of your employees. So what does that mean? If none of your 23 employees has a “carbon footprint,” will they actually be counted in the next census?
It’s interesting that one of the two companies that sells you “offsets,” the Carbon Neutral Company, says that offset purchases are not going to have any impact on global warming “in the short term.” Well, I guess not, if you’re gonna continue to buy them and turn them loose in England.
So let’s see if I understand this correctly. Generation Investment Management buys “offsets” from the Carbon Neutral Company, which is in the business of buying and selling something that they don’t have, but which covers the entire Earth, for anywhere from $1 to $30 per ton of CO2…depending on supply and demand. Is there some way, Al, that I can get into this business with you? I could learn to sell things I don’t have. I could even become a Democrat.
I understand that one way we can all create an “offset” is if we plant a tree. The problem is, planting a tree only delays the production of CO2 because trees eventually rot and die, producing CO2. So, if I promise to plant a tree, and if I either live long enough to build a house out of the lumber from that tree, or if I shoot at least one beaver every year, can I sell you some “offsets,” prospectively, that you can actually use in this country?
Actually, Al, the selling of “offsets” sounds a lot to me like the indulgences that Catholic priests used to sell back in the Middle Ages. It was a way for sinners to get rid of their sin without ever having to stop sinning. Sounds to me like that’s what you’re doing out there in Nashville.
Sincerely,
Paul R. Hollrah
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